Tuesday, November 29, 2005

A Cup Might Prevent That

After my five day, whirlwind tour in City Children's Nutcracker at the State Theatre, the reviews are in. I present them to you in all their glory, with my comments in brackets.
  • "It was a lot better than I thought it would be." [How bad did you think it would be?]
  • "You didn't stick out at all." [Did you really think I would?]
  • "u r my favorite stage actor...next 2 anthony rapp." [Seriously, what does Rent's Mark have that I don't?]
Here's looking forward to next year where I hope to hear, "Wasn't that the same show from 2005?"

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Is that True?

I enjoy making fun of illiterates because they can't read what I'm writing about them.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

The Bad Touch


I need some bloodhounds and a torch. Then I could wander the streets at night and pretend that I'm searching for somebody.

A pitchfork and an angry mob might work well, too.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Means of Production

Remember how I wrote that one of my professors was a dead ringer for Harpo Marx? (It's true.) On Tuesday she announced that she would no longer be able to continue teaching the course. In any case, before she told us that, she showed us a scene from the Marx brothers' classic Animal Crackers (the very movie that inspired the title of that previous post). Given my previous "Marxist" thoughts of her, I felt it was a fitting closure to her tenure as our professor.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Where's Mama McNabb?

It takes me a long time to eat soup. I don't mind the extra time, though, because chewing and digesting soup takes less effort than eating solid foods. I think soup was thinking, "You know what? I'm ridiculously easy to digest and chew. I need to offset this somehow. Maybe I could make eating me take more time than eating other foods. That'll teach people to be lazy digesters."

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Clifford

In an effort to hearken back to my youthful days, I tried to start a rousing game of freeze tag at my bus stop. It didn't go over so well.

Maybe they all were Red Rover fans.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Lost No More

I present to you the most important choice you will make this year. Your decision will no doubt have countless repercussions. I give to you none other than the "Ginger or Mary Ann?" debate of this generation.

Claire or Shannon?

I'm going to go out on a limb and perhaps enter "too much information" territory, so proceed at your own discretion. Up until a couple nights ago, I wrestled with this dilemma daily. Sunday, however, presented me with an amazing dream involving Claire. My quandary was over. My subconscious had presented me with my answer.

Here's hoping she visits me again tonight.


Friday, November 04, 2005

Heather Graham


So what's my current gripe? Backpacks with wheels. Backpacks don't belong on the ground rolling on wheels. They belong on your back, which is why the word "back" is built into the word "backpack." Campus is starting too look like an airport with all these roller bags.

In protest, I'm going to start towing my cell phone on a roller skate because I'm sick of carrying it on me. I've included my rendering of this. Please excuse the crudity of this model. I didn't have time to build it to scale. Also note the miraculous manner in which the cell phone is laced to the roller skate.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Nine-Tailed Cats

Slavedriver Wanted
  • must stand over and keep me on track when attempting to write a paper
  • must keep me from checking email, surfing the web and setting up music playlists
  • attractive female and ability to use a whip a plus

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

It Doesn't Even Have Eaves

"I passed out on Hennepin Avenue last night. I woke up in the hospital with a busted ankle."

This has been another episode of "Things Overheard on the Bus."