And Also in Space

Are you a Jew who feels left out around Christmastime? Are you slightly embarrassed by the un-chic nature of wearing a yarmulke? Do you feel the need to jump on the Jesus bandwagon?

Then come on down to Jews for Jesus! We have everything the modern Jew needs to support his or her favorite Christian savior! Whether or not your ancestors may or may not have been responsible for his death, Jesus still loves you!

In all seriousness, this is an actual sign outside an actual building that is an actual two blocks from my actual house. I have no idea what they do, but I'm considering changing the name of my blog to Christians for Krishna, Atheists for Allah or Zoroastrians for Zeus.

. . . in July

While generally considered a Crosby/Kaye/Clooney/Ellen vehicle, White Christmas owes its phenomenal success to one person and one person alone -- Anne Whitfield, the actress who played Susan Waverly.

Let us bask in the glory of all her immortal lines from this classic film.

1. Okay, Mr. Wallace. This way.
2. This will bring business in, Grandpa.
3. Here's the laundry, Emma.
4. All right.
5. Excuse me, Judy. It's for you from Betty. She gave it to Grandpa at the station.
6. Hello. Oh yes.
7. Oh, Grandpa, the battery's dead on the Jeep. It's stuck out . . .
8. Why can't you wear your uniform? Please, Gramps.
9. I hope he comes down, that would be awful if he wouldn't.
10. Grandpa, you look wonderful.
11. No.

Try using them in everyday conversation. My personal favorite is #2, which can be used whenever you see something amazing.

Maybe this Susan Waverly quoting frenzy has already begun, though, because I often hear girls say #11 to me at bars. I'll have to remind them that #4 and #6 are also viable lines to speak.

Mr. Wheelchair Crackhead of Hennepin Avenue

Despite the world-renowned status of my blog, I've not yet let the fame go to my head. I still enjoy perusing reader-posted comments . . . or fan mail, as I like to call it. Thus, given this piece of constructive criticism, I have decided to appease my raving fans by giving them what they want.

Therefore, without further ado, I present a Bud Light salute to wheelchair crackheads of Hennepin Avenue.

Bud Light presents, "Real Men of Genius."
"Real Men of Genius."
Today we salute you, Mr. Wheelchair Crackhead of Hennepin Avenue.
Mr. Wheelchair Crackhead of Hennepin Avenue.
Although you're in a wheelchair, you haven't given up on your legs yet by still letting them drag on the ground as you roll along.
Those boots were made for dragging.
Laughing in the face of danger, you rebelliously ride with your footrests in their improper position.
A modern day James Dean.
You've given up on reaching for the stars and instead keep both feet semi-firmly planted on the ground.
Your life is hopeless.
While others wince at the friction-filled contact between the asphalt and your shoes, you merely smile a mostly-toothless grin and think, "Damn. That's some good crack."
It's a helluva drug.
So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, you waste of taxpayers' money, because you're too good for malt liquor.
Mr. Wheelchair Crackhead of Hennepin Avenue.
Bud Light Beer. Anheuser-Busch. St. Louis, Missouri.

Stay tuned [but not really] for an upcoming salute to Mr. Ridiculously Useless Blog Maker.

Co-Starring in Return to Oz

I bet being in a wheelchair really saves people a lot of money in the shoe budget.

Although, if you're one of those handicapables who drags his or her feet on the ground while rolling [I'm looking at you, wheelchair crackheads of Hennepin Avenue], you would probably find the reverse to be true.

His Luggage Combination

Veronica Wellington celebrated a milestone earlier this week. Her odometer reached the glorious mileage of 123,456.

I threw her a party complete with topless convertibles, cars with junk in their trunks and a few hot foreign models. All in all, it was a huge success.

Not only that, but I also finally learned how to count to six. My previous record was five, which I had learned from watching Spaceballs.