tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-155742722024-03-07T03:15:47.697-05:00Daily Finger ExercisesI'm huge in Massachusetts.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.comBlogger123125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-53874040376000211912008-06-27T10:19:00.004-04:002008-06-27T10:28:50.478-04:00The Blank's Alter EgoI enjoy working out because afterward it's that much easier to make "heavy breathing" phone calls to random women.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-87184839559176537832007-09-16T20:51:00.000-04:002007-12-10T10:19:54.519-05:00Members OnlyAs we roll up the beach blankets and unroll the stadium blankets, it's safe to assume that summer has given way to fall. While we might be mourning the loss of those sunny days and moonlit nights, we can always relive their glory through this year's feel good song of the summer. As you all know <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/09/text-speak-for-london.html">the rules</a> of this award, I can safely dive directly into its presentation.<br /><br />"The 2007 Feel Good Song of the Summer" goes to the one and only "Girlfriend" by Avril <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Lavigne</span>. Try listening to it without feeling compelled to rush to the nearest dance floor <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82zrU3971DM"><span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">Airplane</span>-style</a>. You simply can't. Even the hearing-impaired fall helplessly under its musical spell.<br /><br />I also feel the need to present a retro award to Journey's "Don't Stop <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Believin</span>'." Whether listening to a Top 40 radio station, rocking out to the jukebox at <a href="http://www.restaurant.com/microsite.asp?rid=301231">Charlie's Kitchen</a> or watching <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnT7nYbCSvM">the final episode</a> of <span style="FONT-STYLE: italic">The Sopranos</span>, you couldn't <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escape_(Journey_album)">escape</a> this '80s masterpiece.<br /><br />So go ahead and load up these songs, crank the volume <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Up_to_eleven">up to eleven</a> and give the summer of 2007 the farewell it so rightfully deserves.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-413418902218096402007-08-14T06:58:00.000-04:002007-08-14T06:58:26.678-04:00From the Lakes of . . .I'd <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/05/wicked-pissa.html">again</a> like to take this moment to quote the lyrics to my new favorite song.<br /><br />"Who says you can't go home?"Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-37775399483751461932007-08-06T23:44:00.000-04:002007-08-06T23:47:00.046-04:00Try the Veal<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdI_1Xf3Bxakp_MtKgGYS_9qLgCtN4RUZbuANnpMDOoe1kRAEpbCyxwHpQDy3cZfnUw1_1MSESI7kIqOMm4wVJX0MTiB6W_wVk63b0gYX1zaNzaoJQ9ClYveaCbKkvzbjq-Vs/s1600-h/calf.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdI_1Xf3Bxakp_MtKgGYS_9qLgCtN4RUZbuANnpMDOoe1kRAEpbCyxwHpQDy3cZfnUw1_1MSESI7kIqOMm4wVJX0MTiB6W_wVk63b0gYX1zaNzaoJQ9ClYveaCbKkvzbjq-Vs/s200/calf.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5095774889064162130" border="0" /></a><br />Behold, my dear readers, the most amazing calf you shall ever see. Marvel at its definition. Gaze upon its subtle tan. Lose yourself in its tangle of hair. Be overwhelmed by the knowledge that it's only half of a dynamic duo of exquisite calves. Play your cards right, and you could admire both at your leisure.<br /><br />Many will enter; few will win. Offer is open to Minnesota residents only. Please allow twelve days for delivery.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-75666587424261550062007-08-03T00:33:00.000-04:002007-08-03T16:31:28.686-04:00Modeling the Latest Fall Fashions from PareeDear Homeless People,<br /><br />Although I don't believe in you [much like foolish people don't believe in <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2007/07/mmm-bowlful-of-jelly.html">Santa Claus</a>], I feel the need to compose a letter to you. I understand that life gave you lemons, and you misplaced your juicer. That doesn't mean you have to neglect your social graces entirely. Let's go over a couple ground rules regarding your future interactions with me. I'll be the Henry Higgins to your Eliza Doolittle, so that I, too, can grow accustomed to your face.<br /><br />God help you if you attempt to get my attention by shaking your damned cup of coins. I don't respond to the worthless senior citizens who do the same thing while sitting in front of a slot machine surrounded by a cloud of smoke, and I'm certainly not going to respond to you.<br /><br />If you want my money, entertain me. Breakdance in the subway station. Do some street magic. Accompany yourself on the ten-gallon plastic pickle tub. If I have to jump through hoops at my job to get paid, so do you.<br /><br />Unfortunately, you will never be able to read this letter, as you would need both a computer and basic literacy skills. I can only assume you lack both. Maybe I can address these issues with you during the group sleepovers you are so fond of having outside the <a href="http://harvard.bkstore.com/">Coop</a>. I apologize if my presence interrupts your pillow fights, ghost stories and intense games of "Truth or Dare."<br /><br />In whatever manner this letter reaches you, I hope you take its content to heart. It will make the city a better place for all. Well . . . except for you . . . you'll still be homeless.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />Justin<br /><br />P.S. Regarding your signs, where do you get all the fabulous cardboard and markers used in their creation? I need to make some for <a href="http://minnesota.twins.mlb.com/index.jsp?c_id=min">Twins</a> games, and poster board and Sharpies just aren't cutting the mustard.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-63465584045122964232007-07-19T21:14:00.000-04:002007-08-04T22:15:39.570-04:00Do It, Doug!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVjgHMPpnlm2o1hQqlcwNNDx5YgqRap7hYTJsRQ0xf9cizV_9SPQeGRKqqctpY1cCxCb0gvyAeTmsBW4N2f3Yx9tP2HbuRJxVF6brvF8II4Mw6cVZzGQchBVwbOmLmU3gixt8/s1600-h/Childs+Plaza.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVjgHMPpnlm2o1hQqlcwNNDx5YgqRap7hYTJsRQ0xf9cizV_9SPQeGRKqqctpY1cCxCb0gvyAeTmsBW4N2f3Yx9tP2HbuRJxVF6brvF8II4Mw6cVZzGQchBVwbOmLmU3gixt8/s320/Childs+Plaza.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5089083196688229170" border="0" /></a><br />I would love to have been a fly on the wall during whatever meeting birthed this unholy demon of a strip mall. I imagine it went something like this.<br /><br />Tycoon 1: "I'm considering investing in a strip mall."<br />Tycoon 2: "Well, you'd have to market it to the key demographic."<br />Tycoon 1: "18-34 year-old white males?"<br />Tycoon 2: "No. Jewelry-buying, exercising, pizza-loving porn addicts."<br />Tycoon 1: "<a href="http://www.guinness.com/us_en/ads/">Brilliant!</a> Don't you think we might be alienating some people, though?"<br />Tycoon 2: "Er . . . pedophiles?"<br />Tycoon 1: "Absolutely! Maybe I can work that into the name of the mall somehow."<br /><br />For those keeping score at home, you can visit this temple to commercialism in Salem, NH. Once a coffee shop is added, I'll be hanging out there daily.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-85944675165305662822007-07-18T22:30:00.000-04:002007-07-18T22:32:12.929-04:00Mmm . . . Bowlful of Jelly . . .Now that <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/10/course-of-life.html">my résumé</a> has been perfected, it must embark on a dangerous journey <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0048960/">around the world. In 80 days</a> or fewer, I can only hope that my dream job will fall directly into my lap. If all goes as planned, that lap will be getting quite the workout in the upcoming months.<br /><br />You see, my dear readers, I yearn to be Santa Claus.<br /><br />Besides my obvious affinity for the Christmas season, there are numerous reasons that this career is perfectly suited to me.<br /><ul><li>My office at the North Pole would always be surrounded by snow.</li><li>The elves would make all 5' 7.5" of me seem <a href="http://shop.newline.com/cat/Elf-Ginormous-Adult-T-Shirt.html">ginormous</a>.</li><li>Flying by sleigh is quite possibly the best mode of transportation ever.<br /></li><li>Milk and cookies are two of my favorite food groups.</li><li>I would inherit that twinkle in my eye that I've always desired.</li><li>I could eat candy canes year round.</li><li>I would finally be part of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.</li><li><a href="http://www.homestarrunner.com/vcr_hs.html">I look good in red.</a></li></ul>In the meantime, I can only sit back and play the waiting game. Perhaps I'll go recruit some little people to be in my entourage. That way I can mentally prepare for my future life among the elves.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-78640365764585946612007-01-02T00:21:00.000-05:002007-01-02T00:25:15.746-05:00Glenn MillerSometimes when I'm craving chicken, I tell people I'm in a fowl mood.<br /><br />They probably just assume that I'm angry.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-56733941150884054612006-10-31T00:25:00.000-05:002006-11-02T01:22:33.879-05:00I'm All Man, Lady!A <a href="http://mikeylikeseverything.blogspot.com/">good friend</a> once told me that everybody has a superpower. As I have never taken classes at the Xavier Mansion, retreated to a Fortress of Solitude nor slung webs in New York City, I was hesitant to believe him. Recent events, however, have stirred within me the desire to construct a costume and secret identity for myself.<br /><br />Quite simply, I have the power to cause people near me to make out with each other.<br /><br />Before you all start commenting on how f-in' awesome that is, consider the following shortcomings of this gift.<br /><ol><li>It has not influenced others to lock lips with me.</li><li>It causes my bar patrons to wear out their welcome as they fondle each other well past last call.</li><li>It has not yet been successful in influencing girl-on-girl action.</li></ol>I simply must learn to control this power. Only by harnessing my <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/10/course-of-life.html">raw sexual energy</a> can I ever hope to <a href="http://www.nbc.com/Heroes/">save the cheerleader . . . and also the world</a>.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-46336194667142539102006-10-24T00:06:00.000-04:002006-10-24T14:39:43.910-04:00Course of LifeI've decided it's time to update my résumé. One simple change will move my CV [that's <span style="font-style: italic;">curriculum vitae</span> for you non-Brits] from the "No Way in Hell" pile to the "Give This Guy the Company" pile. Under special skills, I have added three simple words.<br /><br />Raw. Sexual. Energy.<br /><br />I even added the periods to the skills list, as they provide a much needed sense of emphasis to an otherwise boring résumé.<br /><br />I figure this phrase will come in handy in non-résumé-requesting job interviews as well.<br /><ul><li>Interviewer: "What three words would you use to describe yourself?"</li><li>Me: "Raw. Sexual. Energy."</li></ul>I'll be sure to use an upcoming craft day to create a shirt with the aforementioned phrase emblazoned on the front.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-44112554218852327802006-10-09T22:58:00.000-04:002006-10-09T23:20:25.448-04:00C+C Music Factory<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/1280/1901/1600/celebrity.2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/1280/1901/400/celebrity.0.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Let's play a little game I like to call, "Guess the Celebrity!"<br /><br />The rules are simple. By looking to the right at my drawing, all you have to do is [as the title implies] guess the celebrity.<br /><br />Ready? Set? Go.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-8800294639408561812006-10-03T01:42:00.001-04:002006-10-03T01:43:23.963-04:00I'm No SupermanAs a [self-proclaimed] great writer, I often have millions of blog ideas floating around my head at once. Instead of boring you all with a post for each of these thoughts, I'll just summarize them in a list entitled, "Things <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/01/and-now-its-copyrighted-to-me.html">I Heart</a> at the Moment."<br /><ul><li>the <a href="http://minnesota.twins.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/index.jsp?c_id=min">Minnesota Twins</a> - If it were biologically possible, I would bear the children of each and every member of this team . . . at the same time.</li><li><a href="http://www.nbc.com/Studio_60_on_the_Sunset_Strip/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip</span></a> - I missed Matthew Perry.</li><li>sweatpants - They're not just for depressed fat people anymore.</li><li>the impending season of <a href="http://abc.go.com/primetime/lost/index.html"><span style="font-style: italic;">Lost</span></a> - I wish someone would erect [tee-<span onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">hee</span>] a giant four-toed statue in my honor.<br /></li><li>wool socks - They're like sweaters for my feet.</li><li><a href="http://www.nbc.com/Scrubs/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Scrubs</span></a> in syndication - I often narrate my own life as well. Random strangers do not appreciate this.<br /></li><li>making bulleted lists - They look so professional and PowerPoint-<span onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">esque</span>.</li></ul>I would have included <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parallel_construction">parallelism</a> in that list, but the humor of its addition would have been a tad dry . . . even for my taste.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-90270056130347103942006-09-25T12:15:00.000-04:002006-09-25T19:45:14.532-04:00UMass Gymnastics Championship<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/1280/1901/1600/alroker.0.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger2/1280/1901/320/alroker.0.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Yes, I actually showed up to an airing of the "Today" show with a sign in hand that read, "<a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2005/12/me-sandwich.html">And Then I Met Al <span onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span onclick="BLOG_clickHandler(this)" class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Roker</span></span></a>."<br /><br />Unfortunately, that morning only one girl woke up next to me . . . and it was my sister.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-1158781574206024832006-09-20T15:07:00.000-04:002006-09-20T15:46:15.080-04:00Does In?Has it really been 12 days since my last post? As I really have no excuse for such a ridiculously long absence (besides drinking myself stupid on <a href="http://www.shipyard.com/">Shipyard</a> Pumpkinhead Ale), I'll make some up instead.<br /><ul><li>I was busy eating one egg a day until the carton was empty.</li><li>I was writing biographies of each of the actors portraying the 12 jurors in 1957's <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050083/"><span style="font-style: italic;">12 Angry Men</span></a>.</li><li>I was playing "What's Your Sign Bingo." Each night was dedicated to meeting somebody at the bar with a different Zodiac sign.</li><li>I was keeping tally of the primates in <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114746/"><span style="font-style: italic;">12 Monkeys</span></a>.</li><li>I was reenacting the labors of Heracles.</li><li>I was trying to figure out who the twelfth was in <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0349903/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Ocean's Twelve</span></a>.</li></ul>For those of you readers who were loyal enough to go on a hunger strike until I posted again [I'm looking at you, Nicole Richie], enjoy your dinner tonight.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-1157763396476217432006-09-08T20:36:00.000-04:002006-09-09T13:57:35.890-04:00You Look So . . . Right . . .<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3254/1446/1600/probably.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3254/1446/320/probably.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Continuing my award-winning "<a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/07/and-also-in-space.html">Signs of the Times</a>" series, I present this doozy, which was found outside a store in New York City.<br /><br />Following in this company's "let's make outlandish claims and hope they're true" footsteps, I will now propose the following.<br /><ul><li>I'm <span style="font-style: italic;">probably</span> the coolest person ever.</li><li>My blog is <span style="font-style: italic;">probably</span> the most read on the Internet.</li><li>Women <span style="font-style: italic;">probably</span> want me, and men<span style="font-style: italic;"> probably</span> want to be me.<br /></li></ul>It's nice to see that mom and pop stores are still putting forth that extra effort needed to overtake the corporate monolith.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-1157565673928404402006-09-06T13:32:00.000-04:002006-09-06T14:01:13.986-04:00Text Speak for LondonAs Labor Day has come and gone, it's safe to say that <span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span><a href="http://www.homestarrunner.com/buginmouth.html">the good times are over</a>.<a href="http://www.homestarrunner.com/buginmouth.html"></a> Summer has ended, and the only thing left to do to ring in the autumn months is to name "The Feel Good Song of the Summer." The rules are simple.<br /><ol><li>The song should make you feel good.</li><li>It should probably have been released on the radio sometime during the past summer.<br /></li><li>Random bubblegum pop songs from random artists generally beat out songs from mainstream performers.</li></ol>The 2006 recipient of this award will join the prestigious ranks of the following songs.<br /><ul><li>2003 - "Move Your Feet" by Junior Senior</li><li>2004 - [no award given]</li><li>2005 - "Haven't Found" by Pras</li></ul>As decided by me, "The 2006 Feel Good Song of the Summer" is none other than "LDN" by <a href="http://www.lilyallenmusic.com/">Lily Allen</a>. Sadly, this song is an import from across the pond [i.e., the UK], so many of you have probably not heard it played. Thus, this year I will also present the stateside award to Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man."<br /><br />Ms. Allen and Ms. Aguilera, as this is a live program, you will be required to limit your acceptance speeches to two minutes.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-1156910592313341052006-08-29T23:32:00.000-04:002006-08-30T00:13:01.896-04:00Fishing in RepulsionIt's about that time.<br /><br />"What time?" you ask.<br /><br />"Time to coin a new phrase," I reply.<br /><br />Although the grammatical community is still reeling in disgust from my <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2005/10/not-spinal-traction.html">previous</a> <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/01/and-now-its-copyrighted-to-me.html">contributions</a> to the English language, I feel the need to throw another one in their general direction. Consider the following.<br /><br />"Holy Lord. When slash if you come out to visit, open a new credit card because there is crazy shopping here."<br /><br />That text message was sent by me on Monday, August 14, 2006 at 6:27 pm. Mark that on your calendars as the date and time when I coined the typing of "slash" instead of "/" when texting somebody. It will soon become all the rage in <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milan">Milan</a>.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-1156029771035906702006-08-19T18:49:00.000-04:002006-08-19T19:26:00.636-04:00Mr. PresidentWell, folks, it's been exactly one year since <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2005/08/no-time-for-old.html">I started</a> this li'l ole blog, so I figured some sort of birthday celebration was in order. What better way to fuel my ego than to bask in the glory of my ten favorite finger exercises. I do enjoy a top ten list that is pretty much a salute to myself. So, without any further ado, I present "My Top 10 Favorite Blog Postings of the Last Year."<br /><blockquote>10. <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/03/underneath-my-blood-is-blue.html">Underneath My Blood Is Blue</a> -- I truly have some ridiculous life goals.<br />9. <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2005/11/cup-might-prevent-that.html">A Cup Might Prevent That</a> -- The raving reviews still crack me up.<br />8. <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2005/12/its-just-me-out-there.html">It's Just Me out There</a> -- Robert Goulet impressions will never not be funny.<br />7. <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2005/12/me-sandwich.html">A Me Sandwich</a> -- Maybe I should email this to the "Today" show.<br />6. <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/02/can-i-be-your-ice-king.html">Can I Be Your Ice King?</a> -- She's gorgeous.<br />5. <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/04/hometown-travel-agency.html">Hometown Travel Agency</a> -- I love/miss the college days of yore.<br />4. <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/01/and-now-its-copyrighted-to-me.html">And Now It's Copyrighted to Me</a> -- Coining the phrase "I heart" is my greatest gift to mankind.<br />3. <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/05/be-still-mon-coeur.html">Be Still Mon Coeur</a> -- To use my own coined phrase, I heart this commercial.<br />2. <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/07/mr-wheelchair-crackhead-of-hennepin.html">Mr. Wheelchair Crackhead of Hennepin Avenue</a> -- I only wish I had an actual picture of a wheelchair crackhead of Hennepin Avenue.<br />1. <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/07/and-also-in-space.html">And Also in Space</a> -- "The Jesus Bandwagon" is the greatest picture I have ever created.</blockquote>Here's to many more years of you loyal blog visitors reading my incoherent ramblings that should probably never have been allowed to be published.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-1155834686195974402006-08-17T12:52:00.000-04:002006-08-17T13:53:39.453-04:00Head in a ViceThis past weekend I hit up the casino for the first time in years. Given my lack of gambling experience, I consider it a great feat that I came out with 67% more money than when I entered.<br /><br />If my chemistry degree has taught me anything, it's that you can never have enough useless charts and graphs to illustrate your point. Thus, I present a bar graph of this monumental money increase.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3254/1446/1600/gambling.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3254/1446/320/gambling.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><br />Notice the staggering amount by which the "Final" column eclipses the "Initial" column. It's truly mind-boggling.<br /><br />Of course, all this actually means is that I put 75¢ in a slot machine and got $1.25 back. After that I stopped gambling.<br /></div></div>Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-1155269304171267032006-08-11T00:05:00.000-04:002006-08-12T01:59:29.506-04:00Rhapsody in BlueToday, the bar at which I work smelled like an airplane cabin.<br /><br />After much deliberation, I decided that an airplane's distinct odor is the combination of the glorious smell of coffee and the hideous stench of a nursing home. It's nice to see the two scents of such polar opposites -- one seeks to keep you awake during your busy life, while the other seeks to calm you during your march towards impending death -- living together so harmoniously.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-1154634826014805192006-08-05T21:17:00.000-04:002006-08-05T20:22:30.666-04:00Makin' the Rockin' World go 'RoundOver the past couple days, I have felt like an unnecessary amalgam of two of my most hated people in the world -- the obese and the elderly. Seriously, all that I've accomplished is sweating and farting.<br /><br />I suppose that if I had wanted to further embody these two worthless types of people I could have taken up more than one seat on the bus and then ambled at an ungodly slow pace through Target while attempting to pay for adult diapers with exact change that is buried at the bottom of a purse the size of a horse's feedbag.<br /><br />That may have been the longest sentence I've ever written.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-1154454157442971452006-08-01T13:34:00.000-04:002006-08-01T13:56:36.993-04:00Will Robinson<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3254/1446/1600/Danger.0.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3254/1446/200/Danger.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />I'm thinking of getting boxers with this sign screenprinted on the backside. Only toilet paper would be given the required permit.<br /><br />I would also think that, given the chance, this sign could become the best prison tattoo ever -- especially since tattoos don't wash off in the shower.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-1153803534960805362006-07-25T15:03:00.000-04:002006-07-25T15:14:30.633-04:00And Also in Space<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3254/1446/1600/Jews%20for%20Jesus.11.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3254/1446/320/Jews%20for%20Jesus.11.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Are you a Jew who feels left out around Christmastime? Are you slightly embarrassed by the un-chic nature of wearing a yarmulke? Do you feel the need to jump on <a href="http://i85.photobucket.com/albums/k50/jhammar007/TheJesusBandwagon.jpg" target="_blank">the Jesus bandwagon</a>?<br /><br />Then come on down to <a href="http://www.jewsforjesus.org/">Jews for Jesus</a>! We have everything the modern Jew needs to support his or her favorite Christian savior! Whether or not your ancestors may or may not have been responsible for his death, Jesus still loves you!<br /><br />In all seriousness, this is an actual sign outside an actual building that is an actual two blocks from my actual house. I have no idea what they do, but I'm considering changing the name of my blog to <span style="font-style: italic;">Christians for Krishna</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">Atheists for Allah</span> or <span style="font-style: italic;">Zoroastrians for Zeus</span>.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-1153694224671756452006-07-23T19:32:00.000-04:002006-07-24T08:37:29.103-04:00. . . in July<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3254/1446/1600/Susan%20Waverly.0.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3254/1446/200/Susan%20Waverly.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />While generally considered a Crosby/Kaye/Clooney/Ellen vehicle, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0047673/"><span style="font-style: italic;">White Christmas</span></a> owes its phenomenal success to one person and one person alone -- <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0925914/">Anne Whitfield</a>, the actress who played Susan Waverly.<br /><br />Let us bask in the glory of all her immortal lines from this classic film.<br /><ol><li>Okay, Mr. Wallace. This way.</li><li>This will bring business in, Grandpa.</li><li>Here's the laundry, Emma.</li><li>All right.</li><li>Excuse me, Judy. It's for you from Betty. She gave it to Grandpa at the station.</li><li>Hello. Oh yes.</li><li>Oh, Grandpa, the battery's dead on the Jeep. It's stuck out . . .</li><li>Why can't you wear your uniform? Please, Gramps.</li><li>I hope he comes down, that would be awful if he wouldn't.</li><li>Grandpa, you look wonderful.</li><li>No.</li></ol>Try using them in everyday conversation. My personal favorite is #2, which can be used whenever you see something amazing.<br /><br />Maybe this Susan Waverly quoting frenzy has already begun, though, because I often hear girls say #11 to me at bars. I'll have to remind them that #4 and #6 are also viable lines to speak.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15574272.post-1153091770669227732006-07-16T18:51:00.000-04:002007-09-05T02:04:04.589-04:00Mr. Wheelchair Crackhead of Hennepin AvenueDespite the world-renowned status of my blog, I've not yet let the fame go to my head. I still enjoy perusing reader-posted comments . . . or fan mail, as I like to call it. Thus, given <a href="http://legfry52.blogspot.com/2006/07/co-starring-in-return-to-oz.html#comment-115298096013690094">this piece</a> of constructive criticism, I have decided to appease my raving fans by giving them what they want.<br /><br />Therefore, without further ado, I present a <a href="http://www.budlight.com/index.html">Bud Light</a> salute to wheelchair crackheads of Hennepin Avenue.<br /><blockquote>Bud Light presents, "Real Men of Genius."<span style="font-size:78%;"><br />"Real Men of Genius."</span><br />Today we salute you, Mr. Wheelchair Crackhead of Hennepin Avenue.<br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Mr. Wheelchair Crackhead of Hennepin Avenue.</span><br />Although you're in a wheelchair, you haven't given up on your legs yet by still letting them drag on the ground as you roll along.<br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Those boots were made for dragging.</span><br />Laughing in the face of danger, you rebelliously ride with your footrests in their improper position.<br /><span style="font-size:78%;">A modern day James Dean.</span><br />You've given up on reaching for the stars and instead keep both feet semi-firmly planted on the ground.<br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Your life is hopeless.</span><br />While others wince at the friction-filled contact between the asphalt and your shoes, you merely smile a mostly-toothless grin and think, "Damn. That's some good crack."<br /><span style="font-size:78%;">It's a helluva drug.</span><br />So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, you waste of taxpayers' money, because you're too good for malt liquor.<br /><span style="font-size:78%;">Mr. Wheelchair Crackhead of Hennepin Avenue.</span><br />Bud Light Beer. Anheuser-Busch. St. Louis, Missouri.</blockquote>Stay tuned [but not really] for an upcoming salute to Mr. Ridiculously Useless Blog Maker.Justinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17118266109698861663noreply@blogger.com1