Way Better than Aunt Jemima

As a child, I remember being quite attracted to the Sun-Maid girl. Looking back, I realize what good taste I had. Her updated commercials make her even hotter.

It's too bad that the original Sun-Maid girl is probably now as wrinkly as the raisins that she peddles.

It'll Change Your Life. I Swear.

Sometimes I hang out in waiting rooms of doctors' offices in New Jersey with the hopes of meeting Natalie Portman.

Other times I do it just to have my leg humped by a seeing eye dog.

Underneath, My Blood Is Blue

"Legendary song-and-dance man Justin Hammar tragically passed away last night in his private residence."

When (or if . . . maybe when those aliens from Cocoon come back, they'll let us all board their ship) I die, I hope my obituary reads something like the first sentence in this post. Actually, all I care about is the "song-and-dance man" part. I'm not quite sure how one becomes one of those, but I'd sure like to know.

Maybe I could email song-and-dance man Dick Van Dyke. That description pretty much never leaves the front of his name.

Seriously, try Googling "dick van dyke song-and-dance man."

Perhaps he could give me some pointers. Maybe he's already ghostwritten written a book entitled Becoming a Song-and-Dance Man for Dummies.


If he has, that makes two Amazon purchases necessary for my quest.

Doesn't "couple" imply only two people?

No Relation to Dale

I would totally buy a house from this guy.

Although the ad appeared in The Onion, it is totally legit. He certainly knows his audience.

Lord knows if I were ever to buy a house, the comfort level of lying down in the bathroom would certainly weigh heavily in my decision.