I'm All Man, Lady!

A good friend once told me that everybody has a superpower. As I have never taken classes at the Xavier Mansion, retreated to a Fortress of Solitude nor slung webs in New York City, I was hesitant to believe him. Recent events, however, have stirred within me the desire to construct a costume and secret identity for myself.

Quite simply, I have the power to cause people near me to make out with each other.

Before you all start commenting on how f-in' awesome that is, consider the following shortcomings of this gift.

1. It has not influenced others to lock lips with me.
2. It causes my bar patrons to wear out their welcome as they fondle each other well past last call.
3. It has not yet been successful in influencing girl-on-girl action.

I simply must learn to control this power. Only by harnessing my raw sexual energy can I ever hope to save the cheerleader . . . and also the world.

Course of Life

I've decided it's time to update my résumé. One simple change will move my CV [that's curriculum vitae for you non-Brits] from the "No Way in Hell" pile to the "Give This Guy the Company" pile. Under special skills, I have added three simple words.

Raw. Sexual. Energy.

I even added the periods to the skills list, as they provide a much needed sense of emphasis to an otherwise boring résumé.

I figure this phrase will come in handy in non-résumé-requesting job interviews as well.

• Interviewer: "What three words would you use to describe yourself?"
• Me: "Raw. Sexual. Energy."

I'll be sure to use an upcoming craft day to create a shirt with the aforementioned phrase emblazoned on the front.

C+C Music Factory

Let's play a little game I like to call, "Guess the Celebrity!"

The rules are simple. By looking to the right at my drawing, all you have to do is [as the title implies] guess the celebrity.

Ready? Set? Go.

I'm No Superman

As a [self-proclaimed] great writer, I often have millions of blog ideas floating around my head at once. Instead of boring you all with a post for each of these thoughts, I'll just summarize them in a list entitled, "Things I Heart at the Moment."

• the Minnesota Twins - If it were biologically possible, I would bear the children of each and every member of this team . . . at the same time.
• Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - I missed Matthew Perry.
• sweatpants - They're not just for depressed fat people anymore.
• the impending season of Lost - I wish someone would erect [tee-hee] a giant four-toed statue in my honor.
  
• wool socks - They're like sweaters for my feet.
• Scrubs in syndication - I often narrate my own life as well. Random strangers do not appreciate this.
  
• making bulleted lists - They look so professional and PowerPoint-esque.

I would have included parallelism in that list, but the humor of its addition would have been a tad dry . . . even for my taste.