Do It, Doug!

I would love to have been a fly on the wall during whatever meeting birthed this unholy demon of a strip mall. I imagine it went something like this.

Tycoon 1: "I'm considering investing in a strip mall."
Tycoon 2: "Well, you'd have to market it to the key demographic."
Tycoon 1: "18-34 year-old white males?"
Tycoon 2: "No. Jewelry-buying, exercising, pizza-loving porn addicts."
Tycoon 1: "Brilliant! Don't you think we might be alienating some people, though?"
Tycoon 2: "Er . . . pedophiles?"
Tycoon 1: "Absolutely! Maybe I can work that into the name of the mall somehow."

For those keeping score at home, you can visit this temple to commercialism in Salem, NH. Once a coffee shop is added, I'll be hanging out there daily.

Mmm . . . Bowlful of Jelly . . .

Now that my résumé has been perfected, it must embark on a dangerous journey around the world. In 80 days or fewer, I can only hope that my dream job will fall directly into my lap. If all goes as planned, that lap will be getting quite the workout in the upcoming months.

You see, my dear readers, I yearn to be Santa Claus.

Besides my obvious affinity for the Christmas season, there are numerous reasons that this career is perfectly suited to me.

• My office at the North Pole would always be surrounded by snow.
• The elves would make all 5' 7.5" of me seem ginormous.
• Flying by sleigh is quite possibly the best mode of transportation ever.
  
• Milk and cookies are two of my favorite food groups.
• I would inherit that twinkle in my eye that I've always desired.
• I could eat candy canes year round.
• I would finally be part of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
• I look good in red.

In the meantime, I can only sit back and play the waiting game. Perhaps I'll go recruit some little people to be in my entourage. That way I can mentally prepare for my future life among the elves.