Can I Be Your Ice King?

I would totally take up figure skating if it meant I could get closer to Sasha Cohen.

We're a perfect match. Consider the following.

• She loves the Harry Potter books; I love the Harry Potter books.
• She loves lobster; I have a giftcard to Red Lobster in my wallet.
• She loves Justin Timberlake; I share a first name with Justin Timberlake.
• She loves "Sex and the City"; I love sex and the city.

We're practically soulmates.

8 BC?

I should tell you that you'll see there's no day but today 4 u to add to what you own. Don't wait another day! Halloween is much too late. Santa Fe is much too far. Go out tonight and let your eyes show you the way. If you need some extra cash, I'll cover you. Will I care if you take me or leave me at home? Maybe. It's always lonely without you. Who would be here to light my candle? Long live the Bohemian life.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm slightly excited for today's release of RENT on DVD.

The More You Know

You all want to try something cool?

(Hmm . . . how many after school specials have that line in the script?)

Anyway, eat some Gardetto's and then an Andes mint. Then burp. It tastes like pure happiness.

I consider this my most serendipidous discovery yet. I wonder if I could make a living sitting around all day eating two completely unrelated foods and then burping.

I can see my job title now -- "Senior Weird Food Eater and Subsequent Belcher."

The Cause of -- and Solution to -- All of Life's Problems

After a week and a half hiatus, I figured it was time to get back on track with this whole blogging thing. It's too bad the goal of the latest addition to our house is to steer people off track.

Say, "hello," (no seriously, say it) to our new roommate -- the kegerator.

It's so beautiful in all its alcohol-dispensing glory. If I ever have children, I hope they look and act just like the kegerator.

Let's consider the following:

• We have a foosball table.
• We have a dartboard.
• We have a poker table.
  
• We can have pizza delivered.
• We can drink draught (pronounced draft) beer at home. (FYI: Unlike bottled and canned beer, keg beer has not been pasteurized. Thus, since pasteurization changes the flavor of beer, keg beer maintains the brewer's original taste intention.)

If we could find a liquor store that delivered kegs (and vulnerable, young women) to our door, we would never again have a reason to leave our house.

And yes, (even though it's not even 2 o'clock yet) I'm drinking a beer while writing this. I feel it gives a certain authenticity to the post.

Bordering on Complete White Trash

That's right, folks. With just four cinder blocks, a few towels, a little ingenuity and a blatant disregard for eye-pleasing interior design, you, too, can have stadium-style seating in your living room just in time for Super Bowl XLI.

And Now It's Copyrighted to Me

I coined the phrase, "I heart . . . "

With this post, I'm attempting to set the record straight. I realize it's been around forever (actually, since 1977) in the form of the "I ♥ NY" shirts, but the intent there was for it to be read, "I Love New York." I consider myself to be the first person to pronounce the heart symbol as "heart" rather than "love."

While I've not yet submitted my theory to Wikipedia's "I ♥" page, I'm sure that in due time I will be celebrated for my amazing gift to modern grammar.