Tuesday, December 27, 2005

By Calvin Klein


Now that the semester is over (pretend that I posted this six days ago), it's time to obsess over something else besides quizzes, tests and papers. This obsession is named "Plan B Girl." I have only seen her on posters around campus, but that green-eyed stare has been piercing my mind ever since.

It's almost as though she's about to say, "Justin, take me now. I promise I won't be your baby mama thanks to the emergency contraceptive Plan B."

Plus, she uses the morning after pill, so you know she's easy.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

It's Your Dog!

Given my expertise in the field, I feel informed enough to state the following.

There's a reason that regular peanut butter is not low in fat. That's why reduced fat peanut butter tastes like ass.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

A Me Sandwich

During my almost twenty-five years of living, I have learned much. The following is that which I consider the most important.

In the morning, when you wake up in bed between two girls, do not finish a story by saying, "And then I met Al Roker."

Sunday, December 11, 2005

It's Just Me out There


So while in the Nutcracker, there were obviously many pictures taken backstage. My waltz partner was all about taking pictures of everything because, as she stated, she is "100% Japanese." In any case, there was a picture of the two of us.

A week later, she came up to me and began telling how she had been showing her wealth of pictures to friends. The common response to our picture was, "Wow. He's kinda cute." [No shit, Sherlock.] After she said that, she paused, as though waiting for me to respond. I didn't. She proceeded to say, "Why didn't they say anything about me?" I respond (in a perfect Will Ferrell imitating Robert Goulet voice) with, "What can I say? I steal shows." Then I walked away.

I'm fairly sure, given her age (she has a daughter in high school), she has never seen (nor appreciated the pure comic genius of) the Robert Goulet impression. Thus, she's probably now thinking, "Wow. What a pompous ass! And why did he speak in a deep voice?"

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Tickle Me Savior


I've decided to combine two of the most beloved pop culture icons into one amazing car accessory. I present to you the Dashboard Hula Jesus. These are sure to become a popular holiday favorite among the most untapped consumer group--the religious car-driving Hawaiians. Don't disappoint that special someone this Christmas by neglecting to buy this great gift, which is sure to become the must-have present this season. Order now before supplies run out!

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Curly-Toed for Elves

Despite my intense Christmas obsession, I pure hate the song "The Christmas Shoes." I really don't care that this kid's mom is going to die or that she needs new shoes in order to meet Jesus. I think that people just walk around barefooted in Heaven anyway. What's the big deal with having new shoes? Also, why are there, like, fifteen versions of it? Did every performer ever decide to record their own version of this wretched song?

Although I've not read or seen them, I'm sure that I would hate the book and movie of the same name.