By Calvin Klein

Now that the semester is over (pretend that I posted this six days ago), it's time to obsess over something else besides quizzes, tests and papers. This obsession is named "Plan B Girl." I have only seen her on posters around campus, but that green-eyed stare has been piercing my mind ever since.

It's almost as though she's about to say, "Justin, take me now. I promise I won't be your baby mama thanks to the emergency contraceptive Plan B."

Plus, she uses the morning after pill, so you know she's easy.

It's Your Dog!

Given my expertise in the field, I feel informed enough to state the following.

There's a reason that regular peanut butter is not low in fat. That's why reduced fat peanut butter tastes like ass.

A Me Sandwich

During my almost twenty-five years of living, I have learned much. The following is that which I consider the most important.

In the morning, when you wake up in bed between two girls, do not finish a story by saying, "And then I met Al Roker."

It's Just Me out There

So while in the Nutcracker, there were obviously many pictures taken backstage. My waltz partner was all about taking pictures of everything because, as she stated, she is "100% Japanese." In any case, there was a picture of the two of us.

A week later, she came up to me and began telling how she had been showing her wealth of pictures to friends. The common response to our picture was, "Wow. He's kinda cute." [No shit, Sherlock.] After she said that, she paused, as though waiting for me to respond. I didn't. She proceeded to say, "Why didn't they say anything about me?" I respond (in a perfect Will Ferrell imitating Robert Goulet voice) with, "What can I say? I steal shows." Then I walked away.

I'm fairly sure, given her age (she has a daughter in high school), she has never seen (nor appreciated the pure comic genius of) the Robert Goulet impression. Thus, she's probably now thinking, "Wow. What a pompous ass! And why did he speak in a deep voice?"

Tickle Me Savior

I've decided to combine two of the most beloved pop culture icons into one amazing car accessory. I present to you the Dashboard Hula Jesus. These are sure to become a popular holiday favorite among the most untapped consumer group--the religious car-driving Hawaiians. Don't disappoint that special someone this Christmas by neglecting to buy this great gift, which is sure to become the must-have present this season. Order now before supplies run out!

Curly-Toed for Elves

Despite my intense Christmas obsession, I pure hate the song "The Christmas Shoes." I really don't care that this kid's mom is going to die or that she needs new shoes in order to meet Jesus. I think that people just walk around barefooted in Heaven anyway. What's the big deal with having new shoes? Also, why are there, like, fifteen versions of it? Did every performer ever decide to record their own version of this wretched song?

Although I've not read or seen them, I'm sure that I would hate the book and movie of the same name.

A Cup Might Prevent That

After my five day, whirlwind tour in City Children's Nutcracker at the State Theatre, the reviews are in. I present them to you in all their glory, with my comments in brackets.

• "It was a lot better than I thought it would be." [How bad did you think it would be?]
  
• "You didn't stick out at all." [Did you really think I would?]
  
• "u r my favorite stage actor...next 2 anthony rapp." [Seriously, what does Rent's Mark have that I don't?]

Here's looking forward to next year where I hope to hear, "Wasn't that the same show from 2005?"

Is that True?

I enjoy making fun of illiterates because they can't read what I'm writing about them.

The Bad Touch

I need some bloodhounds and a torch. Then I could wander the streets at night and pretend that I'm searching for somebody.

A pitchfork and an angry mob might work well, too.

Means of Production

Remember how I wrote that one of my professors was a dead ringer for Harpo Marx? (It's true.) On Tuesday she announced that she would no longer be able to continue teaching the course. In any case, before she told us that, she showed us a scene from the Marx brothers' classic Animal Crackers (the very movie that inspired the title of that previous post). Given my previous "Marxist" thoughts of her, I felt it was a fitting closure to her tenure as our professor.

Where's Mama McNabb?

It takes me a long time to eat soup. I don't mind the extra time, though, because chewing and digesting soup takes less effort than eating solid foods. I think soup was thinking, "You know what? I'm ridiculously easy to digest and chew. I need to offset this somehow. Maybe I could make eating me take more time than eating other foods. That'll teach people to be lazy digesters."

Clifford

In an effort to hearken back to my youthful days, I tried to start a rousing game of freeze tag at my bus stop. It didn't go over so well.

Maybe they all were Red Rover fans.

Lost No More

I present to you the most important choice you will make this year. Your decision will no doubt have countless repercussions. I give to you none other than the "Ginger or Mary Ann?" debate of this generation.

Claire or Shannon?

I'm going to go out on a limb and perhaps enter "too much information" territory, so proceed at your own discretion. Up until a couple nights ago, I wrestled with this dilemma daily. Sunday, however, presented me with an amazing dream involving Claire. My quandary was over. My subconscious had presented me with my answer.

Here's hoping she visits me again tonight.

Heather Graham

So what's my current gripe? Backpacks with wheels. Backpacks don't belong on the ground rolling on wheels. They belong on your back, which is why the word "back" is built into the word "backpack." Campus is starting too look like an airport with all these roller bags.

In protest, I'm going to start towing my cell phone on a roller skate because I'm sick of carrying it on me. I've included my rendering of this. Please excuse the crudity of this model. I didn't have time to build it to scale. Also note the miraculous manner in which the cell phone is laced to the roller skate.

Nine-Tailed Cats

Slavedriver Wanted

• must stand over and keep me on track when attempting to write a paper
• must keep me from checking email, surfing the web and setting up music playlists
• attractive female and ability to use a whip a plus

It Doesn't Even Have Eaves

"I passed out on Hennepin Avenue last night. I woke up in the hospital with a busted ankle."

This has been another episode of "Things Overheard on the Bus."

The Royal Family

When all is said and done, the Burger King is way cooler than Ronald McDonald.

. . . and Forget It!

Normally I hate email forwards, but I received one that actually proved promising. It linked to a website that described the most amazing invention ever. Make sure to watch one of the videos near the bottom of the page. I can't even imagine the crazy things we would start painting on our walls.

Sometimes I play the video without watching it just to listen to the background music.

Harvey Keitel's Wife

Virginia Woolf would be a lot cooler if her last name had only one "O."

The Hellenic Republic

Why is it that some people insist on wearing shorts throughout the year despite the weather? Today was not what anybody would call warm, yet for whatever reason somebody showed up to lecture in shorts and a T-shirt.

Not only that, but he's an ass as well. Maybe wearing shorts all year long and being socially inept go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong.

The Eighth Wonder

It's nice to know that we at least accomplished something this weekend.

I hope constructing a beeramid is considered constructive.

Preferably Waxing

This morning the lecture hall in Ferguson smelled of deep-fried breakfast food.

I've been craving "Moons over My Hammy" ever since.

SuperAmerica

I wish I were still a student-athlete.

Not Spinal Traction

I'd like to take this opportunity to coin a new word: "backtractive." This refers to somebody who looks amazing from the back (e.g., good hair, nice figure), but you're not really sure how they look from the front. Imagine sitting in an enormous lecture hall where your eyes catch the most glorious girl you've ever seen. The only problem is that you have no idea what she actually looks like, as you're always behind her. You can now describe her as backtractive to your friends.

No Valhalla for Them

In the wake of the Minnesota Vikings' scandal, I think I'm going to start using the phrase "sex party" more frequently. Its contextual usage will be something along the lines of "the sex party that is [insert a noun or verbal noun here]." Let me provide an example.

I love posting incoherent ramblings on the sex party that is Blogger.

You Jane

I am now accepting donations to fund my purchase of the new iPod. It is so beautiful with its slim design and ability to play video. It would be a travesty to my technologically enhanced lifestyle not to have one.

The Lower Peninsula

Much like I would never drive after drinking, I think I might start hiding my cell phone once the beer begins to flow like wine. Apparently having to close one eye to properly focus on a text message still doesn't deter me from sending it.

Maybe I should just start wearing mittens all the time. It's probably pretty hard to type with only a thumb and one giant fingerish thing on each hand.

Have a Nice Trip

I hereby declare this the first officially beautiful weekend of fall. The colors, weather and scents finally all came together to give a complete autumn experience.

A Clear Soup or Bouillon

Would a professor accept my incoherent blog ramblings in lieu of a paper relating consumerism at the turn of the century to a discussion of the public sphere?

I thought not.

Was There a Lieutenant?

I love Chex Mix. Personally, I didn't think anything could top its amazing blend of crunch and seasoning. I was wrong.

Sitting on the end cap of the local grocery store was a "Limited Edition" version of my beloved Chex Mix; General Mills had concocted a salsa-flavored variety. In a taste competition, whatever seasonings they use to simulate the salsa flavor are a very close second only to homemade salsa.

Hail Mary

Last night, Lake Calhoun resembled Lake Tahoe in the penultimate scene of The Godfather Part II.

Maybe it was God's way of telling me to watch The Godfather Saga on Spike TV this week.

Linda Bove

Today I saw a sign which read

Antiques
Park Here

So I placed my grandparents next to it.

Double Deuce

According to my friend, God has a phone number. Apparently it's "247-GOD." Realizing that number has only six digits, he quickly added, "with 2 D's."

The Final Frontier

It's funny how easily one can misread "who replays" when the space between the words is missing.

I'm sure almost anything by Shakespeare would count.

Chicken and Vegetables in a Tortilla?

What the Meteorologist Says

Based on damage surveys around the Iowa State campus the Thursday tornado had estimated winds around 75 mph which puts it in the F1 Fujita Tornado Damage Scale and this would be considered a small tornado.

What My Mom Hears

Based on damage surveys around the Iowa State campus the Thursday tornado had estimated winds around 75 mph which puts it in the F1 Bejesus Tornado Damage Scale and this would be considered a small tornado.

She feels, as do I, that people would be more apt to heed the warnings of a Bejesus Scale rather than a Fujita Scale. Nobody has ever had the Fujita scared out of them.

The Magic Dragon

Between classes, I witnessed a guy out for a smoke break. He was not smoking a cigarette, though. He was going to town on a Swisher Sweets brand cigar. Apparently his cigar addiction was so large that he couldn't wait until classes were over for the day.

I think tomorrow I will drink an ice-cold beer between classes.

Wheel of Morality, Turn, Turn, Turn

I'd like to take this time to relate to you a story told to me by a friend.

The other day, he was donating blood. During the process, the nurse asked him, "Do you drink a lot?"

He replied, "Well . . . not a lot, but I have my nights."

She then stated, "I can smell the alcohol in your blood."

She then noted that it is not uncommon for your blood to still smell of alcohol even days after a crazy weekend.

To protect his anonymity, I will keep my friend's name a secret. As a small hint, I will tell you that it starts with "s" and rhymes with "pawn."

Ian Malcolm Agrees

Peanut butter and jam sandwiches bring order to a world on the brink of chaos.

Kunta Kinte?

If anybody gets a chance, check out The Root City Band on Wednesdays at Gluek's in downtown Minneapolis. They play an amazing bluesy-esque show.

Hell, they even did a cover of "Brick House." How can you go wrong with that?

Or Perhaps Buddy Cianci?

Dear Me,

Make an "I'm With James Woods" t-shirt.

Sincerely,

Me

No Meals Here

Based on my personal experience, I'm going to stop calling buses by their name and start calling them cots on wheels. Every time I ride the bus, I fall asleep.

Sometimes I expect to wake up to somebody sucking my toes.

And the Electric Mayhem

On campus today, I saw a guy riding a Razor scooter on the bike path.

I think he may have been part of -- or had already lost -- a bet.

An NBA Mascot?

Kellogg's representatives were on campus today handing out their latest invention -- Drink 'n Crunch. It's pretty much the greatest thing ever. It combines my three favorite things:

1. cereal
2. milk
3. going somewhere

Now if I could just design a reusable cup that does the same thing. $2 is entirely too much to spend on a bowl of cereal.

Elephant in My Pajamas

After having my first days back at college in over two years, I have made the following observations.

• I think Melinda from Real World Austin is in my literary study class.
• One of my professors is a dead ringer for Harpo Marx. All she needs is a top hat. (Yes, I wrote, "she.")
• I forgot how much rain sucks when you don't have an umbrella.
• Public transportation rocks my world.
• Apparently a bus schedule does not fall into the category of literature.

With that, I think I'll put on my letterman sweater, go to a mixer and dance the Lindy.

Like Peaches and Cream

What is it about sleep that makes it so mysterious? When you want to fall asleep, it is never possible. Neither a positive nor negative expectation of the morning can change that. I start my Christmas countdown on December 26, and come Christmas Eve night, I cannot sleep. I dread mornings when I have to arise before seven, and come the preceding night, I cannot sleep. Why is slipping into an unconscious state so difficult?

Alcohol and a punch to the face both make reaching dreamland so easy.

It Might Lower Your Cholesterol

I made it onto Yahoo! If, for some strange reason, somebody wants to learn about "daily finger exercises," the first site that pops up is mine.

I fear that people will not realize the importance of exercising their fingers until it's too late.

No Code Here

Isn't the Mona Lisa on display in France?

Take That, Swanson!

My goal in the upcoming year is to invent Turkey Dinner on a Stick.

Wheat-Flour Rather than Corn Meal

Every year, the Minnesota State Fair rolls out some newfangled food on a stick. This year introduced a Spaghetti and Meatball Dinner on a Stick from Oodles of Noodles. It consists of some sort of meatball/pasta mixture encased in deep-fried Italian bread dough. The entire thing is then dipped in marinara sauce.

It has almost surpassed the Pronto Pup as best food on a stick ever.

Radio Flyer

As much as I enjoy trying to be original, I decided to jump on the bandwagon known as Sudoku. In case you care, this site has a very nice free version of the game.

I swear someone has spammed the above paragraph as a comment in my blog before.

Why Not a Bowl?

Does anybody know what this license plate means? It's from Wisconsin.

A Report from Traffic Copter 5

People who remove the Blogger NavBar from their sites are the random traffic jams in an otherwise peaceful freeway drive through Next Blog Button Clicking Country.

I Think You Mean Epiphany

This picture was taken at the National Fresh Water Fishing Hall of Fame and Museum in Hayward, WI.

Let's see if we can all find the unnecessary apostrophe.

This has been another presentation of "Proper English Usage."

Mark VI?

A couple nights ago I had the strangest dream -- even for me.

I was helping Conan O'Brien host his show, and he was interviewing Jay Leno that evening. Somehow the show stopped, and we all ended up sitting around a circular table. Conan was smoking a cigarette and viewing a fax of NBC's budget. He was enraged that the network had spent money on "monorail expansion."

Then we went to wish happy birthday to Peter Jennings's twin brother. The party was taking place in a parking garage.

Just in case you were wondering, as far as I know, NBC does not own a monorail, and Peter Jennings did not have a twin brother.

I heart the subconscious.

Flying Somewhere?

My roommates and I were just at the grocery store. We took the following items to the cash register:

• 2 packages of bratwurst
• 2 packages of hot dog buns
• 1 bag of charcoal

With no hint of sarcasm in her voice, the cash register lady asked us, "What are you guys grilling tonight?"

Seriously?

As Well as Consonance and Assonance

I just returned from a glorious week-long stint at the cabin. Rather than bore everybody with a plethora of pictures (mmm . . . alliteration), I will merely show the one photo that epitomized the experience (mmm . . . again).

Hooray for Blue Jays

I just found out that my blog has become international. I'd like to welcome my most recent virtual visitor from Toronto.

That brings my current reader population to one.

And NY, Too

I heart the G-Class.

Washington's NBA Team?

Although deleting my previous post would make more sense, I like to think of my blog as a living, breathing creature. To delete a post would be akin to removing an arm, leg or ear lobe.

In any case, my template has changed, so no longer do my lists have flowers instead of bullets.

Not the Skunk

I didn't realize that this template uses flowers instead of bullet points in its bulleted lists.

I should figure out how to change that.

Starting a Slow Clap

What have I accomplished today?

• watched Not Another Teen Movie
• learned about RSS . . . kind of
• listened to Radio 1 (not really a shock there)
• watched Not Another Teen Movie . . . yes, again

What should I have accomplished today?

• laundry
• packing for the cabin trip
• probably a third viewing of Not Another Teen Movie

It's not even in my favorite movies list, but when Comedy Central airs it at least twice during a given day, multiple viewings are not only a given but also a necessity.

By the way, contrary to popular belief, movie titles are supposed to be italicized rather than "quotified." Bad grammar and punctuation annoy me.

Prepare to Be Boarded!

First off, this will probably be my new favorite book ever.

Second off (has that phrase ever been used?), their website is informative for any who would like to talk like a pirate.

Kramer?

I wish that Kozmo.com hadn't become a dot-com flop.

I also wish that I had known about it before it flopped.

Was He in Boston?

So I'm watching the Little League World Series, and I see a kid get beaned. I felt bad, because in all my years of playing ball, I've never been hit by a pitch.

I've also never played anything past tee ball.

Now Is the Time on Sprockets When We Dance

Sirius has added BBC's Radio 1 to its lineup. I've not stopped listening since. Will that slowly turn me into Eurotrash?

I hope so.

No Time for the Old . . .

I miss California and its delicious burgers.