Fishing in Repulsion

It's about that time.

"What time?" you ask.

"Time to coin a new phrase," I reply.

Although the grammatical community is still reeling in disgust from my previous contributions to the English language, I feel the need to throw another one in their general direction. Consider the following.

"Holy Lord. When slash if you come out to visit, open a new credit card because there is crazy shopping here."

That text message was sent by me on Monday, August 14, 2006 at 6:27 pm. Mark that on your calendars as the date and time when I coined the typing of "slash" instead of "/" when texting somebody. It will soon become all the rage in Milan.

Mr. President

Well, folks, it's been exactly one year since I started this li'l ole blog, so I figured some sort of birthday celebration was in order. What better way to fuel my ego than to bask in the glory of my ten favorite finger exercises. I do enjoy a top ten list that is pretty much a salute to myself. So, without any further ado, I present "My Top 10 Favorite Blog Postings of the Last Year."

10. Underneath My Blood Is Blue -- I truly have some ridiculous life goals.
9. A Cup Might Prevent That -- The raving reviews still crack me up.
8. It's Just Me out There -- Robert Goulet impressions will never not be funny.
7. A Me Sandwich -- Maybe I should email this to the "Today" show.
6. Can I Be Your Ice King? -- She's gorgeous.
5. Hometown Travel Agency -- I love/miss the college days of yore.
4. And Now It's Copyrighted to Me -- Coining the phrase "I heart" is my greatest gift to mankind.
3. Be Still Mon Coeur -- To use my own coined phrase, I heart this commercial.
2. Mr. Wheelchair Crackhead of Hennepin Avenue -- I only wish I had an actual picture of a wheelchair crackhead of Hennepin Avenue.
1. And Also in Space -- "The Jesus Bandwagon" is the greatest picture I have ever created.

Here's to many more years of you loyal blog visitors reading my incoherent ramblings that should probably never have been allowed to be published.

Head in a Vice

This past weekend I hit up the casino for the first time in years. Given my lack of gambling experience, I consider it a great feat that I came out with 67% more money than when I entered.

If my chemistry degree has taught me anything, it's that you can never have enough useless charts and graphs to illustrate your point. Thus, I present a bar graph of this monumental money increase.

Notice the staggering amount by which the "Final" column eclipses the "Initial" column. It's truly mind-boggling.

Of course, all this actually means is that I put 75¢ in a slot machine and got $1.25 back. After that I stopped gambling.

Rhapsody in Blue

Today, the bar at which I work smelled like an airplane cabin.

After much deliberation, I decided that an airplane's distinct odor is the combination of the glorious smell of coffee and the hideous stench of a nursing home. It's nice to see the two scents of such polar opposites -- one seeks to keep you awake during your busy life, while the other seeks to calm you during your march towards impending death -- living together so harmoniously.

Makin' the Rockin' World go 'Round

Over the past couple days, I have felt like an unnecessary amalgam of two of my most hated people in the world -- the obese and the elderly. Seriously, all that I've accomplished is sweating and farting.

I suppose that if I had wanted to further embody these two worthless types of people I could have taken up more than one seat on the bus and then ambled at an ungodly slow pace through Target while attempting to pay for adult diapers with exact change that is buried at the bottom of a purse the size of a horse's feedbag.

That may have been the longest sentence I've ever written.

Will Robinson

I'm thinking of getting boxers with this sign screenprinted on the backside. Only toilet paper would be given the required permit.

I would also think that, given the chance, this sign could become the best prison tattoo ever -- especially since tattoos don't wash off in the shower.